Envy & Jelousy...

How do I begin to speak of these sinister twins? They are alike and yet not, the same, but different. They certainly cause havoc and untold misery, for the sufferers; and those who are ambushed by envious people.

Jealousy…it even has an ominous sort of hissing sound to it. It brings to mind the typical ‘green eyed monster,’ or even a big, black snake. After all, it is considered one of the seven deadly sins, right up there with murder, gluttony, stealing and the rest. And yet, each and every one of us, is guilty of it, at some stage of our lives!

I have been guilty of envy and jealousy over the years. The two are inseparable. My feeling is envy is the small, wiry, ugly looking one who goes ahead of his bigger, even uglier counterpart. His job description is to whisper words of discontentment and misery, into the ears of the target. That way, the once happy, otherwise content person begins to murmur and compare him/herself to his friends, family, neighbors. In this day and age, it’s a question of ‘keeping up with the Jones’, Smiths, Joe Soaps…whoever. Once the seed has been sown, and firmly taken root, jealousy appears on the scene, all shifty eyed and deceitful. He then points out everything that is lacking in the target’s life. Looks, status, athletic ability, artistic ability, career, education, spouse, children, (or in some cases lack of children and spouse). The list goes on….house, car, neighbourhood, dog or relevant pet, boat, plane, jet-ski, flat screen TV, entertainment system, play station, laptop. My goodness, I could go on forever with the list, but I’m sure by now you get the point?

Once all those thoughts are firmly embedded in the target’s brain, everything and I mean everything, begins to look worn out tatty! The wife/husband, the house, car, furniture, TV, career, looks, status…it all starts to wilt, under the stern, penetrating magnifying glass of discontent. How sad! Of course, by now ‘envy and jealousy’ have slithered back to their dark lair, having finished their assignment. And, they can rest easy, as they know full well, their work will have the desired ripple effect. Because, hot on the heels is their small, weasel like cousin, called ‘gossip.’ Now he is small, but far from insignificant, he’s cunning and ambitious, and knows how to do his job with polished skill. He begins to talk to the target, about all the people who need to hear that particular person’s discontent. As a result, the target goes out to visit his/her friends and family. They are all drawn unwittingly into a gossip feast, where they too begin to find fault with their lives. Suddenly, the day turns dark, from sunshine and roses to dismal and dreary.

The change is so well disguised; they don’t for a minute attribute it to said unhappy camper. Instead, they begin to fervently believe what they have been told, and like well controlled puppets, they in turn visit their circle of unsuspecting victims and so the pollution continues.

I will be completely honest, when I tell you exactly, when and how I was visited by this nasty pair. The first time, I was around eight years old. I was passionate about athletics; and had won the one hundred meter sprint on many occasions. I was in the team, so I thought I had it made, until a bigger, faster, more competitive girl joined the team. Well, I was utterly consumed with envy. I was furious, I had my position usurped. Walking up to the podium; and standing in the second place was nothing less than agonizing! My little heart broke, and I am ashamed to say, I had hateful thoughts towards that poor little girl.

Only later on in life, once I had been blessed with two little girls of my own, and I found my eldest child Rebecca, to be a keen, talented athlete did I learn a hard lesson. Only then, in hindsight, did I realize the error of my ways. She too was the champion runner for three years in a row, until she switched schools. Now, she comes in second and I have watched her cry agonizing, heartbreaking tears of shame, anger and envy. But, I teach her the importance of running for the joy of it. There is an art to learning how to grow through losing; and consequently being a ‘good loser.’ I encourage her to bless; and congratulate the winning girl. She must use the opportunity to stretch herself. She finds it hard, but she is slowly catching on. Now, she’s latched onto Hockey and is very good at it! She scores countless goals and is the new champ. Of course, I am exceptionally proud, because she is a diabetic on top of it.

The second time I tasted the acid of envy and jealousy, was when I was twelve. I had a best friend I loved dearly, until a second girl joined out threesome and I was ousted. Thrown away like an old discarded box, or so I thought, because that’s how it felt. I never really got over that; and I still feel the sting of rejection, when a close friend hurts me. I use the term ‘best friend’ very loosely, and encourage my daughters to have lots of ‘best friends.’ Not only will it potentially safeguard them from getting hurt, but I have explained how they too can hurt others. It takes years of dedicated and loyal input and investment, before I label anyone a ‘best friend.’ To this day, my best friends are counted on one hand, and most of them go way back into my past, some even twenty years or so.

I was also ambushed by envy and jealously throughout my teenage years. Young love snuffed out ruthlessly by a more attractive, pretty, sexy girl. Having my heart broken a few times in that cruel manner, was enough to put me off love for a lifetime! Until I found the proverbial Prince Charming! I could have written the book ‘Princess and the Frog,’ as I have unknowingly kissed many frogs, who turned out to be just frogs anyway.

To hell with Prince Charming! I would imagine him riding gallantly, through the lush meadows on his white steed, with his coiffed hair standing stiff in the wind… But no, stop the movie...revind to the frog infested, stinking swamp...to where the bloated, lazy, stupid toads live, complete with their limp handshakes,smarmy smiles and crocodile skin briefcases. Toads tend to always have wide grins and fat, flabby lips, don’t they?

When my second child was born deathly ill and we almost lost her, I was pounced on by envy and jealousy once again. Reason being, I couldn’t go home with my precious baby, like all other the mothers. For the first ten days, whilst Gabriella’s little life was hanging by a delicate thread, I had watched her linked up to all the machines, ventilator, heart monitor etcetera! I cried angry, lonely, bitter tears, purely because I couldn’t hold her for longer than an hour, to breastfeed her. But, I was truly blessed! She did recover completely, and I must tell you, I was a very proud Mum, the day I walked out of that hospital with my baby girl in my arms. I was walking on air and jealousy and envy, had no choice but to huddle in the shadows like wiped puppies.

One thing I have learnt over the years, is the best way to deal with those pesky monsters is to be thankful, and grateful, always looking for the wonderful blessing you do have, and refusing to go ‘ghost hunting’ for the things you don’t possess.

It wasn’t long after that, when my husband and I went through one of the most difficult patches in our marriage. My husband’s business partner absconded with all our money, after a business deal turned sour. He was an incredibly slick, intelligent con man. He had done his homework, had all the signed paperwork and we were pulled in hook, line and sinker. To cut a long story short, to robbed us of all our money, we had to sell our house and we were left heartbroken, stripped, bereft, gob smacked and ashamed. We limped through those years, like cripples through a minefield. We were very wary to trust anyone completely. Our trust in humanity was shattered. It was an incredibly lonely, desperate and hurtful time. Friends and family were few; people can be so cruel at times like these. Always very quick to ‘kick a dog when it’s down’…I truly learnt the full meaning of these words.

I am pleased to say we weren’t down there in the gutter for too long. Our kids inspired us to keep going, and reach for the stars. I find the stars they call to you, and twinkle so much brighter, when you have further to climb. So, we started again. With God’s help and the support of a few faithful friends and family, we eventually recovered. The difficult part though, was envy and jealousy was always hiding in the shadows.

Without fail, every time a friend proudly showed us their new house, I was gripped with those awful emotions. I would smile and nod and serenely say I was "so happy for them," but the truth was I felt like I had been stabbed through the heart! Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that I didn’t truly feel pleased for that particular friend; it was just that it hurt so badly. The loss of losing our own home and the envy and jealousy I felt because they now had a home, was just overwhelming. It took many years for me to process these emotions and conquer them. But now, after many years in the boxing ring with those two hefty fellows, they don't have power over me anymore. I genuinely, sincerely am pleased, when someone succeeds at buying a property, especially in today’s current market.

Well, God is never really finished with us is He? Just when I thought I had gone through enough ‘character building’ boot camps, I was hit by another low flying curve ball. This one hit me full in the face...Wham baam, thank you Mam! It flawed me, decked me in fact. I was left bleeding and unconscious for many months. I have only recently come out of the coma and am still struggling to come to terms with the loss.

As some of you know, my eldest daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. So now, the great big ‘envy and jealousy’ heavy weights were pushed into the ring. The two are of a completely different caliber and they get you where it hurts most, through my children. Their strategy is to point out to me how terrible it is to have a sick child, and how envious and green with envy I am of those who have healthy children. Now just how terrible is that? This is something that has been a journey of sorts, as the frustrating thing is that I normally notice the people I am jealous of are a particular type. The ones that have everything, material possessions, financial security, and healthy, happy, secure and intelligent children….and yet, all they ever do is complain! They mutter about their children, how difficult they are, how annoying their devoted husbands are, and so it goes on.

So my friends, that in a nutshell is my latest challenge. How do I deal with these two heavy weights you ask? I remind them that the very people they are painting as poisonous, are in fact, just naïve and immature. They haven’t been smacked around by those curve balls as much. And, then I tell them to leave me alone and remember that I now know the difference. I may have lost my healthy child, but my sick child is so brave, courageous and inspiring. And, on top of it all, those poor souls I have envied need my help, support and advice. They have someone like me who have been there before them and can say, ‘wake up…count your blessings and be grateful. Celebrate every day with your darling children, don’t ever take anyone for granted, and that is where you will find peace and happiness. And that is where I find harmony and contentment.

I am walking in a beautiful, happy, sunny, garden, where the sun shines and the birds serenade. The best part of all, envy and jealously can’t survive in the light. They are like bottom feeders…roaches that thrive in the shadows. They watch and sneer, furious, as they can’t come to the garden of light. And, get this, the biggest irony of all, is they are the ones who are inflicted with the leprosy...of ENVY AND JEALOUSY, and boy, does it hurt!