Motherhood aint for the faint hearted! This is my journey...

When I gave birth to my first child, I was ill prepared for the exhilerating, wonderful, exciting but also sometimes terrifying journey of parenthood. I was catapaulted into this strange, kaleidescope world of sleepless nights, gummy smiles, chubby fists and play dough! Overnight, I would have to shed my childless status and all the freedom and lack of responsibility which comes with it and embrace the sacred mantle of "motherhood."

As I found myself lying awake during the early hours of the morning after a midnight feed, I would find myself wondering if I was equipped to fulfil the mammoth task before me. It was now my responsibility to help my precious daughter navigate her way through the pitfalls of life. Would I be able to mould her character and help her develop emotionally in a healthy manner, whilst at the same time enforce firm boundaries and discipline? If I disciplined her too much would I break her spirit? Or, would I end up reaping the rewards of my investment into my child?

As day broke and sunlight began to filter gently through the curtains, I watched her sleep. Immediately, I was filled with a deep, reverant awe. God had entrusted this tiny, delicate creature into my keeping and that thought alone both amazed and terrified me. Clearly, he had given her to me because he believed I had what it took to be a good mother. The Master of the Universe believed in me and surely that was enough. But if so, why was I besieged by so many doubts about my competency? Were these mired in the fact that I had grown up in a dysfunctional home where my mother wasn't always available to me? Were my concerns that I wouldn't give enough, love enough or sacrifice enough?

I sifted through the insecurities which barked in my mind like a rabid dog, a gentle whisper reminded me that I was not alone in this journey. God would take my hand and partner with me as I walked the long challenging road of motherhood. This knowledge warmed me like a thick blanket on a cold winter's night. With this assurance I knew I could do it. I would give my all, my everything, my very life if necessary to ensure my child experienced the fullness of a loving, devoted mother.

Rebecca Jade was nothing less than a pure "bundle of joy." The first time she smiled at me, I was overcome with love. My connection to her was so intense, so deep and all abiding and in that moment I knew I would do anything for her. I watched over her like a lioness guarding her cub. When she was bullied by an over zealous child at daycare I felt as if a volcanic rage would erupt and spill over me. But, after a few deep breaths I realised that his is all just "par for the course" and her exposure to a bully at such a tender age was a opportunity for me to teach her some valuable life skills. She would have to learn how to defend herself without compromising her dignity. I found myself educating her about setting firm boundaries without anger and malice; and how to forgive and move on from a hurtful situation.

When Rebecca was three years old, she began to ask me if she could have a little "brother" or "sister." It didn't take much coercion from my side and before I knew it, I was giving birth to my second daughter. Gabriella Rose was born wide eyed and expectant, slightly underweight and a week early. Immediately, the doctor was alerted to her fragile condition. She had been born with "myconium asphixiation" and was immediately rushed to ICU. She developed pneumonia and for the first twenty four hours of her life, my husband and I weren't sure if she was going to survive. The first time I visited her, I was overcome with emotion as I saw her lying in the incubator like a little spatchcock chicken. She was extrememly jaundiced and attached to so many wires and monitors, it was challenging to keep up with exactly what the function of each one was. The ventilator assisted her with her breathing as her delicate lungs attempted to heal themselves.

My heart would constrict with sheer terror when I contemplated life without her. Already, she consumed my entire being and the love I felt for her was so large that it couldn't be contained. The countless ways I loved her couldn't be measured. The fact that her little life could be snuffed out like a flickering flame, was an ever present fear which hovered on the outskirts of my mind. After ten days of round the clock care and with the help of anti-biotic she eventually recovered. On the day I was allowed to take her home, I was nothing less than elated. She had survived and my precious baby was on the mend.

As she grew into a boisterous, busy toddler, I was amazed as her strength and iron will. Perhaps her fierce determination to live life to the full was born out of the adversity she had faced at such a tender age. The Bible says "God works everything together for good." It has continuously amazed me just how often I have experienced this to be true.

Gabriella was born with a penny sized birthmark on her hip. One day, as I was bathing her, she drew my attention to it. "What is that, mommy?" she asked in her little sing song voice. "Well, my darling," I answered. "When you were so sick in the hospital Jesus was so sad that he asked one of his angels to kiss you. When the angel kissed your hip, he left behind this mark to always remind you of just how special you are." She looked at me with glistening eyes and said. "Mommy, I am so glad as I bet you no one else has one."

I hugged her with all the intensity of a heart flooded with love and gratitude. So many times I have looked at that little birthmark and smiled. This was just another reminder to me that God believed in my ability to be a good mother. I could have lost my beloved child and yet I didn't. God not only gave her back to me, but also left a reminder that his kiss of love was upon her. He had marked her and chosen her for a wonderful destiny which was beyond anything I could imagine. And, in order to see the fulfulment of that, he had not left me alone. The realisation of that fact birthed an unshakeable confidence in me.

With God's help, I am more than equipped to fulfil the path God had chosen for me as a mother. So often I have gone to God in prayer with the many concerns I have regarding my children. When the fear that I am not doing a good job has consumed me, I have been lifted by his gentle reminder that his grace remains. Even when I blow it and come up short, he is there to take my hand and partner with me. That knowledge alone is enough. And, not only does he allay my fears, but he rewards me with the enormous joy I derive out of being a mother.